Rodney Mullins Online
Bringing a Spirit of Excellence to the Body of Christ

This is what they call grief


Last night I knelt to pray and ask God to heal you of cancer then I realized the battle was over and I wept. Today I picked up the phone like I did hundreds of times before to call and check on you and I realized the call would never go through and I wept again. The memories will be wonderful when they finally return to me but for now it is just pain and grief I feel.
I remember at the hospital wondering if I had done enough to care for you as a twin and a brother. I wondered as I watched you grow weaker and weaker if I had failed to let you know how important you were to me and how I loved talking and visiting with you. Then you called me to your side and whispered “I love you Rod” and those words gave me peace.
My greatest regret in this life is when I got the news that even as your twin I was not a match for your stem cell transplant. My heart broke that I would not be able to help you live. I still wonder about the difference I could have made if I only I was the one.
Today I ask God why I am the healthy twin and you suffered so much with multiple illnesses. You had so much more to give to this world and to your family. Your loss at 48 years old seems so unfair and I will wonder about Gods directions until I ask him face to face.
Sickness I have found can do one of two things in a person’s life. It can bring out the best or the worst in that person. Cancer brought out the very best in you. Your kind responses to the hospital staff and to your family, your sweet words of encouragement to others and you never ending faith in the God that you always praised no matter what.
Your legacy will live on in all of us. Your beautiful girls will carry the torch of kindness and care for others. They too will speak God’s word with boldness and love the unlovable. Your grand-kids will be told of your great love for them and their future. Your many prayers that have yet to be answered will live on in faith and for many years will do what they were sent to do.
Robin your life was not in vain, you touched us all and you will live through us. I was once asked how it felt to be a twin and I answered it is the only thing I knew. Today it is different, I am now without you, and the pain goes beyond belief. Often times I would feel your pain and hurts and stop whatever I was doing and pray for you. Today I long for those feelings again.
We all miss you deeply. You were a treasure in our lives and now a jewel only in our hearts. You were our little sister, my twin, Jayme and Summers mother, James beloved wife and lifetime partner, Carson’s grandmother, a daughter and a friend. So many places in so many hearts and now you are gone.
I promise to love the girls like they were my own. I will celebrate at the wedding and birth. I will tell your family stories of you over and over to keep you alive in their hearts. I promise to help James move on in his life without you. He loved you so very much and it will be tough for him the rest of his life without you. I promise to press on myself without my twin. The last few years I have grown so close to you and it was well worth the investment.
They say it gets easier with time and the grief will be replaced with wonderful memories and I hope that is true but for now I wait. I long to pick up the phone and ask you again how you are doing and pray with you.
Each one of us that was a part of your life will grieve in our own way. Each one will deal with the pain differently. Some will move on faster than others and some will need more prayer than others. Despite how we each deal with this process the truth will be no less. We each will miss you forever and wonder why you were taken from us so soon.
Today some things happened in my life that represents my future. I was excited to call and share them with you. Today I was reminded again that you would not be answering my call.
We had been planning a family reunion where we could all get together and spend some quality time but your passing broke up those plans. My greatest hopes is now that someday we will have the best reunion ever.
These emotions are difficult for me and I have never felt them this strong. They keep me up at night and cause tears to flow for no apparent reason. My heart breaks over and over again for this loss…. I guess this is what they call grief.
Bye, for now…
Rodney

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2 Responses to “This is what they call grief”

  1. Great tribute, also read back in the blog. Loved it.

    Of course we are so sorry to know about the death of your sister, may God bless you and the family.

  2. Grief is ok Rodney. We all must grieve in order to move on. It all is part of the process of death. When I lost my Grandmother who was more like a mother to me, my best friend my mentor my GIANT. I grieved for 3 yrs. I couldnt move past the loss. I cryed asking God why did she have to leave me I need her back. I am lost without her. Then one night I had a dream about her. She was all shrivled up in a bed in the middle of this strange empty house. I walked in and said Oh Grandma you came back to me. I was so joyous. Then a s I got closer to her she was crying. She looked so miserable. I said Grandma what is wrong. She said Debbie I love you and I am always with you but why did you call me back. I am in so much pain. In that instant I cried and said Oh I am so sorry. Lord please take her back where she is happy and pain free. I said grandma forgive me for being so selfish. She said I love you honey and I woke up in that instant. I realized I had grieved enough. I had been being selfish holding on to her and wanting her to come back to me. I was releived when I woke up. The point here was yes it is good to grieve but I had done it way too long.
    It is ok to hurt now and miss your sister right now. The reason it feels as though you will never get thru it is because it is still too fresh. Time is a healer it is true. But not till you are done grieving then one day you wake up your done and all the wonderfull memories fill up where the grief was.
    I hope this helps you in some way!!
    Grieve now Rodney it is OK!!


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