Marriage in the Ministry

 

After seeing ministers marriages fall apart I begin to think about how important we must make marriage in the ministry. I believe the most valuable relationship in my ministry is not what overseer can give the best move or what person can pay the most tithe but the person I go home with everyday.

I see a sad trend in Christianity that will no doubt have a very negative impact on the body of Christ. That trend is DIVORCE.

 

I will not be looking at this subject from a theological point but from a very practical point. When we become a leader we become the highest level of spiritual influence in peoples lives. We become role models in every area of those that we lead. Young couples watch the way we speak to our wives and how they treat us in response. They watch to see genuine love and mutual respect. They look for displays of affection and open expressions of romance. Sadly however, many in the ministry become the worst examples of marriage.

 

I believe that it is a sin against the future of the church for any minister to spend more time with the church than his wife. I believe that the first relationship that needs care is the marriage. I am heartbroken as I watch ministers ignore the needs of their wives and reject their value in the ministry. Some men threat their wives as if they are just there to make them look go and help them achieve their personal success.

 

I have chosen to walk in the highest level of accountability to my wife. She is my highest priority in life and ministry. She is my best friend and most reliable confidant. My greatest and highest level of spirituality is when we are celebrating our marriage through intimacy. I see no place in the life of a minister to place his wife behind the needs of the church or it’s people.

 

I heard of a pastor that left his anniversary dinner to tend to one of his members. It was not a death or an extreme emergency but a need to be stroked and babied. I wonder what this action said to his wife?

 

I think men put ministry before their wives for several reasons but some of the ones that I see are as follows…

 

1. Pride – They think it cannot happen without them. You always loose when you get to this level.

2. Insecurity – They think the members will think less of them if they are not always available.

3. Un-biblical views – They have a very wrong view of what a pastor does or should do.

4. The emotional stroke – They really get a certain high when people need them.

5. Problems at home – They won’t deal with issues at home so they fill the void with ministry.

    

I truly believe that the enemy has targeted the marriage and the home of the ministers. I also think we have justified divorce and made it much to easy in the life of ministers. I have always let my people know that my wife and family are first in my life. I also let them know that date night is to never be messed with. When my wife and I are spending time together we are not available to others. She is God’s gift to me and my ministry and if I do not nourish my relationship with her I am not fit for ministry elsewhere.

 

This reminds me of the man who goes through medical school for years being supported from his wife then after getting his practice he no longer needs her. He leaves her for a younger woman that fills some professional need for him. This is the lowest form of abuse and should never be found in the ministry.

 

Years ago a ministers wife told me she was a victim of the ministry. When I asked her to explain herself she told a horrible story of loneliness and emotional drain. She said she felt raped by the church and cheated by her husband. She said he was always preoccupied by the church and it’s demands. She said church boards had no respect for her time with her husband. She relented that he will even leave her while making love to minister to a church family. She was broken and in great despair. Later when speaking to her husband about this matter he said there was nothing he could do about it he was “Just doing what God called him to do”. This story has a very sad ending. He left her after he began an affair with his secretary and she walked away from God.

 

I challenge every minister and Christian man to protect your relationship with your wife. Never ever put others before her. Always publicly affirm her and protect her. Train and teach your leaders that your primary role is a husband. Let her know as often as possible that she is the love of your life. Be very accountable to her and attentive ti her needs. Don’t ever simply use her as a mother and bed partner. Flirt with her. Dance with her. Date her. Flowers, Flowers and more flowers. Everyday spend time affirming her gifts and talents. Tell her she is sexy and sensual as a woman and not just a good pastors wife. Stop being pastor at home.

 

I ask my wife often how I am doing as a husband. I often ask her if there is anything else I can do to make her life a blessing. I ask her to hold me accountable in my relationship with others. I personally hold my time with her a high priority. I teach and train others to do the work of the ministry so that I am not preoccupied when I am with her.

 

I have a hard and fast rule. Don’t call me at home in the evening if it can wait until the next day. The evenings are my time with my family and I appreciate the church’s understanding. If they don’t like it they can build a bridge and get over it.

 

God bless our homes and marriages in America. God help our men to love and respect their wives. God bless the women that support us and love us despite our humanities.